Y'all, we were robbed. Something was taken from us that I cannot ever get back and it breaks my heart to think about it. And the worst of it, is that it wasn't somebody else; it was me, I robbed my heart and my family.
I am ashamed to say that over the last few weeks I have given in to the whispers of Satan that my life wasn't good enough, that I wasn't good enough. You see, Satan can't take from me what he really wants, he can't take me from the arms of Jesus and bring me to the depths of hell; my place in heaven is secured with my salvation and nothing can change that. So, he works at robbing me of my joy and happiness and sadly that affected more than just me, it robbed my family too. It robbed my husband of a joyful wife and my son of a happy mommy.
So, I am going to be perfectly honest about how I gave in and let him win (maybe I am not the only one who struggles with this, and maybe, as I hang my head in shame, I am). Sometimes I live in a fantasy of a life; a life that is unrealistic and unattainable. In my particular imaginary life we live in our dream house (the one that isn't even for sale) and have three kids who never fight, always eat their food, and take long naps, we always have time for family time and are never tired. I am a perfect size four and somehow have the budget for nice clothes, shoes, and accessories. Basically, everything is perfect and nothing ever goes wrong that we can't perfectly manage. See? Not even close to reality.
Most often this life is just a sigh and a 'wouldn't it be nice...' and I go back to reality of a two year old smearing vaseline on the walls and never enough hours in the day. But this time I was tired; we are trying to sell our house and finally do/fix all those things that we said we were going to do when we moved in five years ago, and it is exhausting and add on top of that the norms of a very active toddler, running a business, and trying to have a semi-healthy dinner on the table every night. And in this exhaustion I let Satan slip in and whisper his lies, I became discontent and started to hate the life I had and wishing for a life that was never meant to be. I began to live in the 'if only...', he knows how to get to me, he knows just what to whisper in my ear 'if only you were a better mom, a better wife, business owner then you could have that life'...'this is your fault'...'you aren't good enough'. And like that, I was discontent and unhappy. I became frustrated at my husband and resentful towards my son and for two weeks I allowed Satan to reside in my home and rob my family of life and love and happiness.
Thankfully I don't have to live in this despair and with God's love and my husband's patience this week is happily much better, I am working on taking some time for me and not allowing myself to become so exhausted and worn down, cause let's be honest, that is when he knows he can win. Winter and being stuck in the house is hard for me so I have to make sure I make the most of the good weather days that we have so the little guy and I went out for a milk shake date the other day. My next step is probably the hardest and that is restricting my time on Pinterest, I love Pinterest and I honestly think it is a great tool for inspiration for both my home and my work, but it can be so addicting and if I am not careful, I can get really discontent at the 'perfect lives' that are represented there. So, for a while anyway, I am going to only be using Pinterest for specific searches and not mindless scrolling and coveting a life that is not mine to have.
I wanted to write this because I know others struggle with the same thing, maybe not wishing for a unrealistic life, but with the discontent of the everyday. Y'all Satan is robbing us, and we are letting him! Christ came so that we could have a life 'more abundantly' (John10:10), but the as I am learning and need to often remember this 'abundant life' has nothing to do with material things, but our attitudes and the His love in our hearts.
I lost two weeks of joy and happiness that I can't ever get back, but by God's grace I am growing. Won't you work on loving life with me?