I started my 'Blessings Book' at the beginning of summer with the best of intentions. At the end of each day write down five things that were a blessing. Some days it was easy, especially when the little guy took a long nap, was exceptionally good, or I had an unexpected breakfast out with my two best guys. Other days it was harder, but it was for those days that I pressed on and kept writing. On the days when it seemed like the munchkin's bedtime would never come (just being real here) I could look back and see that he really was a blessing in my life, and that 'this tantrum too shall pass'. As a few weeks passed, it became easier to see the blessings in the harder days and I was becoming more thankful for the life that God had blessed me with.
In June we got a huge surprise, I was pregnant. But July brought the heartbreak of a miscarriage.
I am sad to day that it would take weeks before I touched that book again, or my Bible. I didn't want to count my blessings and I was angry at God for taking my baby. After waiting for my body to miscarry naturally (it didn't), surgery, an infection, another surgery and a two day stay in the hospital I was exhausted; physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
It was only when I allowed Him to work on my heart that I began to slowly heal and began to trust Him again. Part of my healing was taking time to truly mourn the loss of our baby, searching the scriptures, and meditating on His wisdom and love for us. Even though He allowed our baby pass from this world, it didn't mean that He stopped loving us for one minute.
Some days the blessings I would write down were as simple as not having cried that day, or a friend who sent a care package. But they were blessings, and each blessing written aided in the healing of my crushed and bruised heart.
This past week, my husband was laid off from his job at the hospital. We've lost a steady income, our insurance, and for a few days a little bit of hope. But I'm determined to keep trusting in God's greater plan. And to keep seeing the blessings of every day.
Some days we just have to look harder
Note: This post is not intended to minimize the pain of miscarriage and losing a child, it is truly probably the worst pain I have ever experienced. I still hurt for my baby. I will always have a special place in my heart for one we never got to hold. But my Lord was there with His arms open wanting to comfort me and I turned away. It was only when I began trusting Him again that I could truly heal from my emotional pain.